Single on Valentine’s Day? Have no fear fellow Bobcats, for I am here to help you! Here are 14 ways you can spend your Valentine’s Day—and no, absolutely none of them involve crying or going on a date with me. I promise.

1. Buy a cat. They’re pretty awesome, guys. Dogs are cool and cute and all, but you have to admit, “man’s best friend” can get a little needy sometimes. With a cat, you can spend the day of love with a furry little companion who stares into your eyes with cold, hard apathy. Awwww!
2. Hit up your preferred place of music purchasing (no pirating allowed, you evil scum) and buy OutKast’s Speakerboxxx/Love Below album. Then, listen to Andre 3000’s “Valentine’s Day” for 24 hours straight.
3. Celebrate Groundhog Day. Again!
4. Go to work. Chances are, if you have a job in which the majority of your co-workers have significant others, they might’ve taken the day off. Wait, you’re not on the schedule? Tell your boss that the workplace is your Valentine; they’ll applaud your commitment and probably give you a promotion on the spot! You don’t have a job? Break in somewhere and clock in anyway. Everyone will look at you funny, but they’ll appreciate your help. And you’ll get money!*
5. This is a great day to try something new (that doesn’t need to involve leaving your bedroom!) Watch that show on Netflix that everyone is raving about. Listen to some new music. Read and analyze the dialogues of Plato and assure yourself that with your newfound enlightenment, people will be fighting over you next year!**
6. Catch up on your homework. Sure, it’s boring and all, but you never know, one minor homework assignment could make the difference in your grade that sends you straight into Harvard on a full scholarship paid for out of pocket by President Obama himself! Yeah!***
7. Play the lottery. Can’t do that yet? Make your parents/guardians/siblings play the lottery. If you win, buy new computers for us here at the Bellarion!
8. Happen to have a birthday that falls on February 14th? Awesome! You don’t have anything to worry about. Set up a last minute party and get all of your friends to come. It’s also a great friendship test to see if your friends will cancel their Valentine’s Day plans to celebrate your life or not. Nothing says “I love you” like manipulating your friends!****
9. Make a new meme. For whatever horrible reason, these things are cool again. Chances are, you’re a brilliant comedy genius! Now forget about that – do something that’s terribly unfunny. A joke, a comic, a picture, what have you…and post it online! Everyone around the world will be talking about it for weeks!
10. Pitch a pilot to TLC for the new reality show about your life. Whatever it’s about, it has to be called “Buckwild in Bel Air.”
11. Take an aimless drive to nowhere. Even if you don’t know how to drive yet.*****
12. Valentine’s Day means LOTS of chocolate, and being single means nobody to share it with. Eat up! But nothing cheap – buy the most expensive, fancy chocolate you can find. In the wise words of Donna Meagle from Parks and Rec, “treat yo’self!”
13. Learn how to play Wonderwall on the acoustic guitar. Never learn anything else, ever.
14. Hey, it’s not too late! You’re the wise, charming reader of the Bellarion. Go out tonight and ask someone to be your Valentine! You’re awesome.

* = Don’t ever break into a place and start working there. Please.

** = Not really. You’ll just sound incredibly pretentious and scare everyone away.

*** = I might have exaggerated. Just a little.

**** = Never manipulate your friends.

***** = DON’T DRIVE IF YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE!